I am learning that one never “really knows” someone.  Hell, I don’t even really know myself anymore.  There is someone in my life whom I have known for a few years and then there is someone whom I’ve known only a few months.  In both instances, I felt as if I knew them pretty well.  Now, it seems I don’t know them at all.  Once again, my judgment has failed me completely. 

Oh well.

In other news, I’ve had some time to myself the past few days to do some serious thinking.  For some time now, I have pondered my future with my current projects.  I have been unhappy with CWH for several months now.  I kept hoping that the enthusiasm I once had for CWH would rekindle itself but more and more it has instead fizzled out.  Work actually seems like work now.  It used to be something more “fun” that I would look forward to.  I used to enjoy the challenge of seeing how far I could take us and how successful and well-known we could become.  I don’t feel like that anymore. 

I’m ready for new challenges.  I’m ready to do more and expand into my own thing.  I have had some remarkable offers from various companies and people, but nothing that really grabbed me.  I don’t want to work FOR anyone.  I feel suffocated and as if my full potential is wasted.  Every project I have ever worked on in the past has turned into something better and successful.  But none of these projects were ever MINE.  Even though I was the “boss” and had most of the control, I felt limited as hell in what I could do.  People don’t seem to understand that I have so much more to offer than what I have already brought to the table, but I am limited by them.  It’s killing me and I am starting to feel unaccomplished.  I need to stop letting others cap my abilities.

 

Just like I tell Monkeyballs … “Shit or get off the pot.”

Since my last rant I’m feeling better. I’m not so stressed probably because it’s the weekend. Last night I went out for a couple drinks with her it was nice, real laid back. We sat at the bar and watched the Bulls win again. That was an exciting game hehe. After dinner/drinks I came home (man I feel old I get tired so early now). I went to bed a while after I got home and then I woke up with a massive headache today. Of course, today of all days, when it’s beautiful outside. I didn’t even really get to enjoy it much because the sun was bothering my eyes. I took some Excedrin and took a nap.

When I woke up I was feeling a little better, so I took a shower and got ready for the day only to get a worse headache yet again. I wanted to go out but I really still wasn’t feeling up to it. But I ended up going out at about 9 tonight and just got walked in the door like 15 minutes ago. I went to her house and played games with some of her friends. I really hate her friends. I try to give them a chance but every time they leave, I tell her I can’t stand her friends lol she goes I know but I love you for suffering through them so that made me smile. She said it a different way and it came out not how she meant it and I tend to over analyze everything way way way too much; so I gave her a hard time about it.

Now I’m sitting in my room with a bottle of water and a cheese sandwich next to me typing up a blog…I’m not even tired, that’s sad. I slept a little today and now I’m not gonna be able to sleep all night. I suppose I’ll just sort the laundry and get it all ready for tmw so I don’t have to stress over getting everything done at once. I decided I’m making a good dinner tmw night…not that I make bad dinners every other day lol but it’s gonna be extra good tmw night.

I’ve been toying with the idea of moving in with her. Buying a house and just doing the whole…domestic, living with your lover, thing…but that’s a story for another day.

Bwahahaha.  Karma.  THIS is my ex.  His name is Joe.  He’s the brunette cop who tased the guy.  I didn’t realize this was making rounds on the internet.  I had heard in the local media that Joe was in hot water over his actions in that video, but had no clue until now that the video was actually released, as I was under the impression it never aired on COPS.  Joe is a jerkoff x a billion.  He has been on COPS lots of times.  He’s a penis with an ego you can’t believe.  It’s nice to see and hear about his lil COPS fame caught up to his stupid ass.  HERE is the news story about it.  Punk ass.

Ironically, Joe is now a Sgt.  This is despite his history for being tossed into the military loony bin when he was serving in the army.  He spent a bit of time getting his “head on” straight.  On top of that, Joe works for the very same police department in which the police chief beat his wife then went on to murder her in a parking lot (while he was chief of police).  Great police force out here eh?  Check out that story HERE.  What a fucked up lil world we live in.  These are the people who are here to “serve and protect”.

My sister is going through an extremely difficult time right now with the baby.  I’m not going to go into details, but once again, my family gets their asses beat down by the body.  The baby is doing well, she popped out early, but is doing well.  It’s my sister having the probs.  We went up to see her at the hospital today but we werent allowed in but for a few mins at a time.  However, my new niece is beautiful.  She has tons of hair.  Finally we have a baby girl in this family.

Things with Steven are chilled way out now.  I admit, I like it.  I didn’t get called names, yelled at, hung up on or anything else for at least 24 hrs.  I am starting to get caught up on work and that feels nice.  I’m still pretty down about the overall state of CWH right now though.  It’s seriously depressing to me, but I just keep telling myself the new site is coming soon and we’ll get through this.  Working with Oddity has actually been very encouraging to me.  I really dig those guys on so many levels.  I know Steven is quite impatient with them, but I like that they are taking their time and being so careful with everything.  It’s not like they cannot account for all the time put into this.  It puts me at ease to know we are in good hands and they have really gone above and beyond in my book.  Now if we could just find competent hosting, I would be set.  I’m so burnt out on the shit with RCN.  We had a long talk with them last night on the phone about the issues.  They didn’t make me feel better about anything at all, but at least I got us a server to get the new cwh up and testing on.  Maybe Steven will learn from this and maybe finally realize I do have half a brain and I should have been listened to about this when I first caught on in January.  I hate how he talks down to me sometimes.  He reminds me of the male webmaster population in general …. “she’s a girl and she doesn’t know shit” routine. 

Despite everything, today was a pretty decent day.  I have a new niece.  Things with Monkeyballs make me feel a bit better, especially after a talk we had today.  I don’t feel as “on edge” with him.  I’m trying hard to not let my trust issues from past relationships dictate current relationships.  It really is difficult.  Old habits are hard to break. 

Then there is the Mr.”whatever”Man … who lost and found his cell phone today but yet completely failed to call me.  What a loser…you lost major points for that, Mister!  You’re lucky I like you so much.

OH oh oh oh … i gotta gripe about something.  Okay, so I recently changed over some banking stuff, accounts, credit cards, blah blah blah.  So part of that was getting this new Platinum Visa card that is supposed to have this uber technology and fraud shit.  I’m all about that.  However, when I first signed up for this card I had to pick out my PIN number.  No biggie.  But then when I try to use it at a cash machine, it tells me its wrong!!  Of course, this sets off the fraud detection people who now seem to want to call me every damn time I make a purchase to verify its me using my own card!  While I appreciate the protection, must you guys keep calling me every fuckin time I use the card?  And could you PLEASE hurry the fuck up and get me my damned PIN number.  I need it.  Why must banking and credit cards and money and all that shit be so difficult??  I’m terrible at this shit.  I’m trying hard to learn lately, but it really only frustrates me so much more.  I much prefer accountants handling this shit, but since Monkeyballs is always riding my ass about stuff and Dad rides my ass about stuff, I figured I better start learning to do it on my own.  I don’t think I’ll ever understand stuff though.  I suck.

These past couple of days have been nothing short of hell. I’ve been having to deal with more regarding school, exams coming up, projects due; everything is moving so damn fast that I’ve been more mean than I usually am. I lose my patience a lot more quickly and I fight a hell of a lot more. I’ve been pretty much yelling at two members in the forum; one I sent a PM to and apologized and we’re ‘friends’ again. The other I don’t feel I need to apologize to because he pretty much attacked our guys; already talked about that. I went back and removed some posts and altered them so they weren’t actually attacking someone. But telling what the deal is, more or less.

And now one of the camguys is on my case. I won’t kiss anyone’s ass who doesn’t deserve it. There have been instances where this guy has had to be told to knock of his behavior. Seems to think the rules don’t apply to him. In my opinion, even though I work for GWC, I don’t believe the guys are above anyone or anything. I don’t feel like I HAVE to be nice to them, just cause they’re camguys, they come and go, they have to earn it. I’ve been there longer than any of the guys on the site (with the obviously exception of Steve) so I don’t feel like I have to kiss their ass when they’ll be gone soon anyway because they lose interest. I haven’t lost interest in the site. I fight for the things I believe in and people don’t like that. I guess I’ve taken over Abbie’s reigns; I’m now the bitch of GWC. Thanks for handing them to me babe lol.

I was actually told I was discriminating against someone. And of course THAT would only come from someone of a “minority”. Look I don’t hate against ANYONE. Hello I’m deaf AND bi (TWO minorities for the price of one!), I know what it’s like to be discriminated against. What it’s like to be talked down to because you’re different than everyone else, because you can’t hear and you sound a little different. What it’s like to not able to show any kind of love toward her out in public without getting sideways looks. I find it completely offensive that someone would actually say that about me when it couldn’t be farther from the truth. But I’m being discriminatory by saying something regarding a previous snide remark about the same thing? You can always count on someone do play the discrimination card, even when it’s nowhere near that.

On top of it all I was PMSing through all of this crap so that makes me even more angry than usual. And more apt to just snap at people for the smallest of things. I’ll be glad when things wind down again and start to go more smoothly.

It’s hell being a girl.

After having a pretty deep conversation with someone last night, I decided some things.  He gave me perspective.  I wasn’t aware of how people on the outside tend to view me at times.  He opened my eyes a bit. 

I think part of that conversation carried over into some drama tonight.  A few things we spoke about last night kinda gave me the guts to be honest with Steven about something.  I didn’t want to tell him of my interest in someone else for fear of getting yelled at, called names or anything else.  I know most of what he says at times is said out of emotion, but he intimidates me in that aspect and i fear upsetting him.  However, tonight I pretty much told him I was interested in someone else.  I hate the idea of hurting Steven, but at the same time, we’re at that crossroads.  But it’s not like he hasn’t seen others as well. 

I know he’s angry and upset.  But I feel better about things now.  It’s like a weight has been lifted and I can now actively see how things with other guys work out.  I admit, I limited the ‘male prospects’ because of my relationship with Steven and not wanting to face his wrath.  But that’s not being fair to myself.  There’s some really good guys out there.  And like I told my friend last night, it’s gotten to the point where if Prince Charming did come along, I wouldn’t even know it.  I am not okay with that.  It also made me feel better that my friend told me of his 8 year relationship with a girl that didn’t work out even after all that time.  Steven and I had 3 years invested in each other.  I know Steven thinks he “wasted” three years on me but I don’t see it as a waste at all. 

So anyway, it’s now out in the open.  Abbie has someone on her radar.  Be afraid!  Who knows what the future may hold…with him or any other guy.   I don’t need a guy to be happy.  But I don’t want to be a stupid prude locked away from a good romance either.  I just want a guy who’ll be my best friend before anything else.  That is what I miss the most.

Mr.”whatever”Man, thanks for the conversation last night :)  It helped me a ton and opened my eyes to some things I didn’t even realize.  We should talk more often ….

MonkeyBalls, I’m thinking about you.  But you lost points today!  Hope things are going well over there for ya. 

Ok so there’s this douche bag in the forums that felt the need to diss some of our camguys that we no longer as “lean” as they’d like. He felt that as a paying customer, it should be ok for him to voice his opinion in putting down the camguys. What the fuck is that? People are such assholes sometimes, I can’t even believe it. Not only that but Brad, one of the sweetest guys ON the site, feels like the thread was directed towards HIM and many people feel the same because of the timing of it all. No one deserves to be put down directly or indirectly and I wish people would have a little bit of common sense. I don’t care if you’re paying anything it doesn’t give you the right to put people down.

Enough about that, I’m also mad at her. Big surprise right? We’ve been doing nothing but fighting since yesterday. I couldn’t go out because I had planned on house work all day yesterday. Saturday she bailed on me to stay home cause she was oh so tired. Well then she wanted to see me yesterday and I said no I had house work. So she said ok I’m gonna go visit with Matt cause Lisa isn’t home. I was like oh no you don’t. How am I supposed to be understanding of her going and sitting with a boy watching tv…when the ONLY reason she wanted to go out yesterday was because it was a beautiful day. Oh yes, I want to go out on a nice day, to go to someone’s house and sit with a boy and watch tv. It makes a lot of sense right? So that started the whole thing off. We fought the entire afternoon and night, AND today I’ve been short with her so she’s mad at me. We’re apparently going to dinner tmw, so we’ll see what happens there.

Sometimes I don’t know why I’m back with her, it hurts. It’s a lot of fighting, jealousy and selfishness now. I don’t know how or if I even can make it work. Everything in me wants it to work because I’m ridiculously in love, but everyone’s telling me I should find someone else. It’s not that easy when my heart belongs to her.

I fucking hate love.

When shit happens around the sites, it is almost guaranteed to happen when Steven isn’t around to help out.  It almost never fails.  This week has been nothing short of drama and work.  On CWH alone I have had to deal with fallout from the NYC trip last week, major security issues, billing/ccbill shit not working, problems with the updates linking to the guy site, bullshit with our hosting company that has lead us to now look for new hosting, dealing with customers affected by the security issues and ccbill issues, the launch of the new cash program with all bugs and bitching in tact, models needing employment verification letters/phone calls, gathering up and organizing all the new paperwork re:  2257 laws, my new video guy wasn’t completely set up and trained as steven told me he would be, I found so much unused content on the FTP, and we decided last minute to put together a fund raiser for the victims of the Vtech shootings. 

AND … I get stuck babysitting Steven’s fuckin’ brats over on GWC as well.  He always leaves and says “Oh, you won’t have to do anything on GWC”…yeah right.  Drunken camguys who can’t get their member chats going, tech probs with other member chats, customer complaints about pchats, dealing with a prima donna camguy that I suspended, problems with the updates, questions up the ass about 2257 paperwork, new camguys being clueless, whiney camguys who can’t wait the usual 24 hrs to get pix approved, constant IM’s about all this shit and let’s not forget the late night phone calls and more.

On top of all of this EXTRA work this week, I am supposed to do my normal work.  That hasn’t happened at all.  I am sooo behind on videos and content promised to webbies.  Email has been impossible to keep up on…and this week it has been nothing short of rude and upset clients.  I can’t say I blame them.  I fuckin’ feel like my site is running so half-assed right now.  We are running so sub-par at the moment.  The only thing keeping me motivated is seeing some of the shit from Oddity coming together. 

Honestly, without Ashley and Bryan and my moderators helping me out, I would be completely fucking lost.  It’s weeks like this that I truly appreciate them even more.  I want to do something nice for them.  I really have no clue what, but I don’t think I tell them often enough how much I value them.  I’m open to ideas and suggestions.

I’m so fuckin’ burnt out on the sites right now.  I hate feeling like that because even though I know I am busting my ass like a bitch, I can’t help also feeling like I am not doing enough.  I hate seeing so many upset customers.  Steven topped it off yesterday by telling me he pretty much won’t be home until Tuesday, instead of today.  So now I have had to delay plans of my own just so I can be around to babysit since he’s off partying it up.  I can’t just leave the sites unattended to and I feel horrible if I am gone even just for a few hours.  How pathetic is that?

Some nights I wanna just sit back and cry just from being so overwhelmed and so disappointed.  I fucking HATE feeling like CWH isn’t performing as it should.  And right now I really really feel like that.  I know many of the issues are out of my control, but I don’t like it regardless.  CWH is my baby.

Today I was putting together my patio furniture (yay!) And the boxes were huge! I told my sister god it would be great to be a kid again, these boxes would make a great fort. In many ways I miss being a kid. Things were so much more simple back then. Like forts…we used to build them in the hallway at home and it took up the entire hallway; blocking every doorway. It took hours but we’d get it all set up, make lunches and be in the fort the entire day. And it never got old.

Now everything is a rush, there’s not much fun, it’s all work. We don’t really take the time to do the things we enjoy doing. We search for faster ways of getting things done; which inevitably leads to falling apart because we didn’t take the time to make sure it was right. I feel that there’s a very small percentage of people that actually take the time- don’t take shortcuts and get things done right no matter how long it takes. Many of us are deluded, we think the faster way is always better. Many of us think that we’re those kind of people that don’t take shortcuts but sadly it’s not true. In my opinion anyways.

I wish I could go back to before I even knew how to turn a computer on. Life without computers was so much simpler. They crash all the time, there’s always bugs to work out, have to worry about virus’, spyware etc. Who the hell cares? I think I would’ve been much better off if I never found my way through the wonders of PC. I hate technology even though I’m pretty good with it. Everyone is making things smaller and smaller; a lot cheaper materials too. Shit I remember the “car phones” back in the day. The big brick of a phone you had to care in a big ass case. You drop that thing; it wouldn’t break. But you buy one of the new phones (Sidekick for instance) and the shit breaks so easy it’s ridiculous. We’re paying through the nose for CHEAP products and I’m tired of it. Everyone always has to have the latest and greatest. Well I’m sorry to say, but in my opinion the latest isn’t even close to the greatest. Don’t get me wrong I believe we’ve come a long way from inventing the WHEEL, but why is it everything gets more expensive but the products are made so cheaply?
I miss being a kid (yes I said it again). I miss sitting in front of the TV on a Saturday morning and watching the Saturday morning cartoons that were on Fox. I miss all the TV shows that were on when I was a kid. All the children’s shows now are retarded and don’t teach anything worth while. I wish they would bring some of the older stuff back. So when I have kids I can say “I used to watch this show when I was a little girl!” and I know my kids will get something out of it too.

Kids now are growing up too fast; they have cell phones now wtf do they need a cell phone for? who’s gonna fuckin call an 8 year old and have a conversation? Young girls dress TERRIBLY now because of how fashion as gone. I seriously see girls in grammar school that dress in skin tight clothes like they have anything to show off yet. Kids having sex when they’re 10-13 years old? Thinking they know what the hell could come out of it? These kids are going to run this country one day, and I dread it. Parents really have to step up and take action. When I was young and did something wrong I’d get smacked for it; now parents are afraid to spank their kids (not that I WANT kids to be beat but discipline is a good thing when it’s called for). They say “now Timmy what did we talk about, you’re not supposed to do that” pull that mother fucker out and scream at him maybe he’ll get the point he wasn’t supposed to stab someone in the eye with a pencil! Parents NEED to stop this shit.

I know A LOT of people were brought up the same way I was, and we all turned out just fine. Many people say they don’t want to be like their parents. Well that’s understandable if the parent was actually abusive but I strive to be like my mom. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for her. I want to set an example, as a teacher, that it’s NOT ok to slap/punch/stab your classmates when they don’t give you their attention. But unfortunately when I scold a student for that and send them to the principals office, I get a nasty phone call from the parents asking why I singled their child out. I’m fucking tired of the parents not being able to control their children and yelling at ME when I’m doing my fucking job.
I hate being grown up, I hate DEALING with grown ups.

I just wish I could go back to how it used to be.

I can’t work.

I can’t sleep.

I’m watching “Cheaters” (ironically).  I love this show.  I wish it was around when I got cheated on.  That’d be an awesome way to catch the fucker while cheating on you.

I’m getting drunk on Dasani. 

I’m hungry but I can’t eat cause I’m fuckin stressed out.

My new puppy is here watching t.v. with me. 

Steven messaged me from Vegas.  He was actually super nice.  He was shopping and thought of me :)  asked me if I wanted something from different stores.   It’s true, he can actually be thoughtful like that at times.  This was probably the first time he’s so genuine and sweet in a very long time with me.  I needed it tonight.  BUT … I did decline and told him not to buy me anything.   I didn’t want him to think I didn’t appreciate it though. 

I was talking with one of my models tonight about Steven.  She went on the NYC trip and met him.  She described him as “quiet”.  I describe him as quite the opposite.  She was trying to understand our “relationship”.  It was cute.  I told her that we just don’t do well as a couple, remain great friends, but are not like “that” anymore.   It actually got me thinking about some stuff with him.  I really think we make a good team as far as working together most of the time, however, I also think that it was our business / sites that ruined our relationship.   It’s kinda sad, but on the other hand I’m glad I have Steven in my life, even though we fight like cats & dogs.  I really do hope he ends up with someone special, who really can love him in that very unique way he needs.  I want him to be happy.  I want to know that someone is taking good care of him. 

I will admit it has been nice having him on vacation.  I think time “off” from each other is good.  We had made an agreement to not speak during his vacation unless it was work related.  Let’s just say the poor sap didn’t even make it to the airport leaving for Vegas without messaging and trying to be cute.  Who can blame him?  I am adorable.  But in all honesty, it has been a bit nice having some sort of a break from him.  It was needed (even though a teeeeeeeenie tiny part misses him).  I told him to go check out the bunny ranch.  He told me it was “gross”.  I tried!  The poor guy needs laid.  He’ll be nicer if he gets some

EDIT:

Tonight I am doing everything I can to take my mind off of the other bullshit.  I honestly just want to crawl back into my own shell, not speak my mind anymore and stfu.  In every fuckin relationship I have had, when I seem to voice my concerns or speak my mind, then shit bites me in the fuckin ass.  People always tell you, “good communication is key…”.  Riiiight.  I’m starting to learn that the more communication you have, the more reasons you give the other person to be a fuckin jerkoff. 

I thought it would be different this time.  But once again, my judgment failed me.  I am glad he is getting his vacation.  He needs it.  I need it too and can’t wait…even though I’m going alone now.  I never changed my plans.  He changed them for me :( 

He went to bed mad tonight.  Not a peep outta him tonight.  Not even to say he was sorry.  I hope he’s having a miserable sleep.

I’m going to bed too.  But I’m gonna channel surf, pop vicadin for my “cramps” and crash out.  Fuck losing sleep over this.  It’s probably what he wants.  He was mean.  He hurt my feelings.  He’s a fuckin guy after all.  No longer Prince Charming.

I’m bumming so hard right now.   How is it that men can take any situation and make it YOUR fault?   I get bitched at when I don’t speak my feelings and I bite my tongue and then I get bitched at when I do speak out about what’s bothering me.   Then it gets turned around because awhile back I did the same thing in his eyes (which I don’t happen to agree on).  And let’s not forget, I get the old “never hang up on me” and “never go to bed mad” speeches from him, yet he does the same.  I’m beginning to think maybe I was wrong about this whole situation.  After the argument today, I felt as if I was right back to where I was a year ago.  My own fault.

I’m telling you, lesbianism is looking to be the best option right now.  I’m horrible with men.  I think my vacation couldn’t have better timing right now.  While it was originally planned for two, I guess it’s better that I’ll be alone.  It sucks but oh well.  I actually kinda feel like a dummy. 

ANYWAY … sorry for all the site probs as of late.  My hosting company had issues stemming from the bad weather in Texas last week.  It’s been a pain.  But we’re not going anywhere.  I even got a few things fixed on here.  Hopefully it’s a tad more user-friendly.  There is other stuff I wanna do and add, but I’m swamped right now with work stuff.

 

I’m going to go throw myself into some work and forget about the bullshit.